Monday, November 24, 2008

I Have Hope

Hope.

I have hope this morning.


For me this is a fleeting thing. As quickly passing as a random thought. It fades out of my grasp as mysteriously as a dream. I can write down all of its twists and turns while it hangs tenuously in my mind‘s eye. But after a few moments, even the words on paper cannot quite bring into focus the images that I was so desperate to record.


So I hold on tight to that feeling while its there. So tight that it hurts. So tight and with such a fear of it’s loss that my body seems to cramp with the effort. Perhaps the desperation and crushing hold only makes matters worse, less tenable.


I'm not sure what it is I have hope for, but I have it. Perhaps it's the hope that things will be better. Life will change. Walls won't crumble and leave me exposed. I will have a place of safety that isn't suffocating, not claustrophobic and the air will be fresh rather than stale. I can open the drapes and enjoy a potted plant. I will go into the yard and actually pause and feel the sun. I will go Christmas shopping in the daylight.


I have hope that family will see me as an addition to the foundation rather than a weakness to the insulation. That they will think of me as a help not a hindrance. That my countinence on a bad day will not keep loved ones away on a good day. That when I come to mind it’s my smile they think of rather than my frown. They will not be a ashamed of the lazy cow in the back room. I will not forever be a whisper. I have HOPE that they will someday, stop punishing me for being me.


I have hope that extended family will not murmur my name as if I’m in a house full of cats on a hill. That they will not hold my offense against those that surround me. That they will not confuse mental health with intelligence. That they will research instead of assume. That they won’t look to Hollywood for an example. That they will not forget the girl I was. I pray that they do not think me short on faith or failing in devotion. Someday they won’t think “call before you come” means “don’t call us, we’ll call you”. I hope that they will discover that I like to be part of their communications online, even though I don’t go to family reunions, holidays or talk on the phone. I have HOPE that they will someday, stop punishing me for being me.


I have hope that the world will forgive me for what I am.



I have hope. I have hope.
Posted by Lavender mace at 9:58 AM
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4 comments:

  1. RobertNovember 24, 2008 at 4:36 PM

    Here in blogland you will not be judged. You can be what you want and no-one will punish you. You will not need forgiveness to be what you are. You will never be considered a lazy cow here.

    Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if it was more like blogland?

    I have hope - hope for you. I hope that those who know you will see you as you appear here - a caring, sensitive person, someone who is fighting a mental health problem.

    I hope that you can love every bit of you - then you will be ready to love others.

    Best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousNovember 25, 2008 at 12:29 AM

    To my dearest daughter, friend, confident, shoulder to lean and cry on (even when you do not want to be touched I invision you holding me) to the stimulator of my mind and the cadence of my heart.
    I prayed so many years ago that I would first carry you within my being, bring you to term and then hold you close in my arms. God answered my prayer and you burst forth out front of all others. First to walk (6 1/2) months old, a head banger on Mom's table and the top of the fire place until we took you out of the walker and you began to move like a catterpillar with automic speed in every conceivable dirrection. Then one morning I came in from work and my sis just could not wait to show my that my little joy could walk. As I said you were always way out in front of all others, and you just kept going on into life like that.
    We sang beautifully together, did so much together and you were always the life of the party and everyone's friend. Then there came a day it sees like yesterday just two weeks before you graduated from Pierce College with your assosiates degree, "Mom," you said to me "I am going to have a nervous breakdown" Then about a month later that new dawning hit home. That was fifteen or so years ago now and here we are together but you so often seem so alone.
    You are simply thrilling to me when you climb an old barricade in your mind. And now here on this blog I see the word (hope) this is the most joyous word I have heard in a long time from anywhere.......
    I pray again Father please let this hope grow and blossom. Hope, hope, hope envelope and carry her on. Luv you Girl mom

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lavender maceNovember 26, 2008 at 11:08 AM

    Teary eyed here.

    These comments really meant a lot to me and yes, the world would be such a better place if it were more like blogland :) When I read about other's getting through and coping and supporting, it does give me hope for out here.

    And Mom, I love you too ;)

    note to self: mom reads blog take appropriate precautions. lol

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousNovember 29, 2008 at 9:36 PM

    What a beautiful piece of writing:) Hang on to hope! And, know that you have friends here in blogland.

    ReplyDelete

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